See 29-Year-Old Rat, Its Also A Virgin

Patrick Pictured Above
Patrick is a very large, very old wombat who lives at a wildlife
preserve in Ballarat, Australia.
At 29 years old, poor Patrick is also a virgin.

He came out of the womb-at a time when life was simpler. Now, as a young adult, our boy is having trouble looking for that special someone to do … whatever the hell wombats do to each other.
So we’ve let Patrick make a dating profile. If you know any wombats in your area looking to meet a refined single male, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us in the comments below!
Name: Patrick
Occupation: Just chillin in mom’s basement, playing some WoW, drinkin’ Mountain Dew
Likes:

.Cuddles
 Leaves and stuff
 International politics
Juggalos
Gnawing wood
Existentialism
Grey’s Anatomy 
Dislikes:

• • When people mistake me for a beaver
  • Wine snobs
  • Running
  • The San Diego Chargers
  • Crippling depression
  • Becky
  Ideal partner: I’m not looking for some one-night-stand. I’m just hoping to meet that special someone who will always go to wom-bat for me.
  Ideal date: Maybe we could go to Chuck E. Cheese, swim around in the ball pit, and see what happens.